The "Best" White Rappers You've Never Heard

A few months back, I did this big ol' thing about black musicians in rock and metal that I was fondly reminded of today. In recently coming upon a piece of music I can only describe as Allah's sunny nectar leaking down from the heavens— a fresh track off Limp Bizkit's new record, Gold Cobra (out today!)—I thought: there are also some really funtastic white rappers out there.

Today, I'm giving you the other side of the coin; those phenomenal wizards of the word who have just done so much for the vanilla face hip-hop community. You may not recognize many of the names on the list, but like any truly influential artists; their titles are oft forgotten while their influence stands.

Michael Clancy

Ya' know he's doing it. (Yo- who's doing it?). God's doing it, and a nü thing at that—channeling all of white middle-America's potential for terrible rappability into a winded ten-year-old's unsuspecting hands. M. Clancy may not have made much of a name for himself in the rap world of today, but with moves like butta' and a flow this tight, it's clear that God must have spent a little more time on ... other things.

Boostalk

Like peanut butter? So does Boostalk, apparently so much so that he decided to record a track with a mouthful of that gunk swuwwulling awound. If you can make out more than 20% of what he's saying, mad props.

Chuggo

AHHHH C'MON FUCKIN' GUY! Actually, I have nothing negative to say about this song or this rapper. Kinda like Chocolate Rain on roid rage. Man, I wish I had a walking stick like that.

Denny "Blazin'" Hazen

I can't claim any foundership of this gem, but to this day it reigns supreme.  Let's see:

-Awesomely bad mullet. Check.
-Completely arhythmic flow. Yup.
-Grooveless beats. Seems so.
-Nothing remotely melodic or catchy. Totes.
-Anti-materialistic soapboxing from a guy lounging in front of a pool. Indeed.


That's a classic right there. If you haven't already heard it, I think you're gonna' be BLAZED.

BAD IS THE NEW GOOD: Jan Terri

How the hell did this happen-

"The heart is open like an open book and yuuuuuurrrrs is clowsed..."

In what a befuddled youtuber can only describe as "a blend of Mrs. Piggy, Jabba The Hut and William Hung" we have Jan Terri; the limousine-driving, Danny Devito-looking, 6 year old-sounding swamp donkey from Mars.

You know those late 80's anti-drug videos they made you watch in driver's ed? Did you love their music so much that you wished someone out there could make two albums worth of it and then sing monotone on top? Then boy are you gonna love this.

Known for such memorable hits as "Journey to Mars" and "Get Down Goblin," Terri made her mark in very select circles in the early 90's. Many of her tracks, it seems, were simply too far ahead of their time. Can you believe she didn't even use auto-tune?

Despite receiving an in-depth feature on the Daily Show in 2000 and opening for Marilyn Manson on one tour date, her meme potential has largely flown under the radar (How did Tosh miss this?). Who exactly is this natural (or unnatural) disaster—Omazing Grace's reincarnation? Rebecca Black's grandma? Terri remains as mysterious as ever, but one thing is certain; you'll definitely want to hang this on your wall.

IT'S CRABFEST!

Columbus, Ohio's Kings of Crab(core) Attack Attack have posted a brand new track off the forthcoming re-issue of their 2010 self-titled album!  Is it just me or are these guys getting just a little more bearable with each release?

Time to get crackin'

Blowlife

I believe I promised you some grade A audio-manure last week, so here it be.

There are rare moments in life when our paths suddenly change course; when rays of scintillating sunlight pour down from the clouds of consciousness and invigorate our being with new meaning and direction. British Columbia's own Theory of a Deadman recently had such a revelation.

We had a bit of an epiphany when it came to songwriting ...

We've been a band for over a decade now, 

and we realized what we're doing makes sense. 

There was a lot more confidence. I was able to dig in lyrically and be wide open.

- Tyler Connolly (Guitar/Straining into a Mic)

Sounds good, but how big of an epiphany is this?

This big. 

There's really no downplaying life's little thunderbolts. For instance, just last week, I realized that what I do on the toilet makes a lot of sense. There's a lot more confidence now; I feel like I can really be wide open. 

And you'll really want your ears to be when you hear this gem of a tune. Thought "Bad Girlfriend" was the greatest song ever (only eclipsed by "Crazy Bitch")? Did you love it so much you couldn't wait to hear it in swing time? Then get ready, cause' I think you're gonna' be blown away.