Those who know me are well aware of my general disdain for all things tacky, mainstream, and easily digestible (I like my music just like my food ... and McDonald's cashiers; SPICEY). That said, I rarely turn down an opportunity to watch others flounder with style. Honestly, what's better than a little Omazing Grace every now and then? There's just something so life affirming about watching others fail in ways that so vastly surpass our own capabilities. You may have sucked at life today, but there's someone else out there who sucked all the harder. The first few episodes of every American Idol season deliver that glorious suck in spades.
Even so, I've been a little shoddy with my attention to the singer's tour de farce of past seasons. If not for my roommate's insistence on seeing Steven Tyler gawk at his very attractive elementary school classmate, I might have missed a very conspicuous contestant.
But before we get into that, if you were at all curious as to whether or not season 10 carries on America's favorite pass time of embarrassing people with foreign accents, then you'll be pleased to know that the answer is a broken and resounding yes!
Those who tuned in on Tuesday will no doubt remember the dulcet croons of The Ivory Coast's finest female baritone, Achille Lovle:
Lots of great stuff here- in addition to 'Chille delivering a Madonna song bass warbled beyond recognition, this audition also catches a remarkably beautiful Lopez caught amidst an existential quandary concerning her most pitiable position. Seacrest is also on his game; what do you think about not getting the ticket; heading home?
Such delicious douchery.
Lest we forget Japan's unintelligible Miley Cyrus singing, Michael Jackson impersonating man-boy of wonder: Yogi Asano a.k.a. Yogi Pop
"A Britney sowazo!
and the fabulously self-important and in-dire-need-of-percasets jail-baiter, Victoria Huggins. (She made it, by the way, but that doesn't make her any more bearable).
Lopez: I love the skirt-
Tyler: Oh yeah, just the right amount showing...
Could Steven Tyler be the best thing to happen to American Idol and underage gals' since the push up bra? That's very possible, but onto the reason I called this meeting to accord; one of them contestants done stole ma' face!
The notion of a doppelgänger, or literally a double (doppel) walker (gänger), is fairly well known in the worlds of fiction and urban legend. While given different names across cultural lines, the general idea is the same; a mysterious figure, often shrouded by ominous intentions, who bears an incredible resemblance to another person. Doppelgängers are typically symbolic of misfortune, impending doom, or events that have yet to occur. In literature they often seek to ruin the life or reputation of the true individual in the most sinister of ways.
Either I just stepped on a pile of serious shit luck, or I'm bout' to go all Black Swan on this fool.
Me to left, my roommate to far left, and Robbie Rosenclone to right. The mullet is noted and appreciated.
Unfortunately for me, it seems the wheels of the first outcome are already in motion, as Rosen is already hard at work cleaning my bad image. His favorite performer is apparently Usher and he debuts with a Beatles song ... Great. If he gets big, people will think I have the musical taste of middle school teeny bopper. It also doesn't help that this kid is just a squeaky ray of sunshine. Looks like my reputation as Connecticut's prince of doom and sardonic gloom is fading fast. People might actually think I'm a good person ...
Robbie Rosen- if you are reading this, please take my words to heart: stop ruining me! I'm sure you're a nice guy and all, but could you possibly sing something a little less- sappy? My street cred is dropping by the minute.
Here; if you pump out a good version of this lil' diddy (I'll even give you a pass on the screaming) all offenses are forgotten; in fact, I'll take your name and throw a 'Jr.' on the end. If you can go toe-to-toe with Mr. Sabol I'll bow down ... actually, in that case, you might get a call from my band-
Vocalgasmic
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