Why do some bands make it while others don't; why do bands practically dribbling with talent and poise not get the credit they so deserve; why is it that far inferior groups seem to attain success and wealth beyond imagination? When one looks closely at these questions something becomes clear; this is the all too typical "why do bad things happen to good people" dilemma played out on a musical stage.
The other day, in answering a certain moral call to dispel, what I believed to be, some very erroneous notions about the music industry, I explained that record labels really do act on principles. If the slothful bands of today could only learn to internalize the ideals of "money, sales, profit, gains, and earnings" (MSPGE for short), they'd, indubitably find themselves in far more desirable positions.
It pains me, however, to see that so many decent acts already seem to have lost the MSPGE game long before they've even started it. Let's face it, if your band is going to make labels money, sales, profit, gains, and earnings, you guys had better look the part and, honestly, what says "I make a shit ton of money and don't care what'chu think" better than the "douche bag rocker look":
If there's one maxim that we can all agree is absolutely false it's: never judge a book by its cover. What bologna. Case in point: the first time I picked up a Twilight book. I looked at the cover and, right off the bat, thought to myself, "what a wholesome-looking literary work." Upon reading the novel I realized that my initial cover assessment had been entirely accurate; sideburned vampires, bodacious werewolves, tween' girl angsts, and mountains of unfulfilled sexual tension barely kept in check by a wealth of Christian values- Twilight novels aren't books; they're Wheat Thins.
But, I digress. The fact is that it really doesn't matter if you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover cause' you're damn well gonna do it any way. The douche bag rocker look is all the rage right now and conforming to this simple trend could be an easy first step toward your band's success.
Now, I want to draw your attention to two bands in particular: Tool and Porcupine Tree. This is What Not to Wear: Broken Sticks Edition and I am your host and resident fash-hole. Tool may have put out a couple life changing albums back in the day and Porcupine Tree might be one of the more excellent bands to ever exist, but who cares if they aren't stylin' and profilin'?
Top hats and goat heads are sooo 1890's...
Listen to our band; we wear black turtlenecks and glasses.
It's not enough just to be good, you gotta look good (or as the kids say, "güd"). Being the peach of a person I am I did both of these left of mainstream heroes a service and updated their looks accordingly. I expect that with the increased income these bands make with their new douche bag repertoires that I will be appropriately credited and compensated.
The hotties of Tool lookin' serious with their brotha Luda
Who knew Colin Edwin was hiding such flowing ginger curls under that cap?
What you wear can say a lot about your band; make sure your group's attire screams, "I'm trash, but I'm richer than you'll ever be!" At the end of the day, music is just noise fated to be forgotten, but, like a diamond, a douche bag is forever.
*I am currently taking on projects as a professional photoshopper. My services are available for the criminally low rate of $250 per half hour time slot and then only $50 per minute over.
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